January 27, 2009

okay, so last night i finished up an evaluation that we annually do here for our deans, RAs, staff etc.  and i’m baffled at how quick i am to evaluate so harshly or so unreasonably.  i know there is room for “correction” and “redirection” but i found myself at a place valuing relationship and interaction around what its done for me (a lot of that is due to the questions asked like, “how have you been cared for?” or “how can we help you in your job/ministry etc?”).  i know i have normal, God-given needs.  that’s mainly because i need a savior.  but i’m slowly learning that life, relationships, singleness or marriage, missions overseas or here are all about what you lose, not what you gain.  simple concept, it seems.  but its not.  its hard for me to learn that and live that – i’m still fighting that now, when i think about what my dean is going to say about me when he evaluates my “performance” on the job.  but i want to lose it all.   

Jesus says, If you want to gain your life, throw it away (paraphrase adopted by Howard Hendricks).  what a revolutionary way of living.  i can’t live this way without Jesus patiently changing me from moment to moment, from the inside out.  how humbling is that?  Jesus stationed where He is, actively, gently, powerfully changing the heart?  my heart? what’s really freeing is that He promised to finish that!  beautiful.  astounding. 

so, when i look at others and my interaction and relationships with them, am thankful for them,  am joyful with them, am frustrated with them, impatient, judgemental, harsh, irritated etc., i ought to and will strive to remember the Lord Jesus and His relationship with me.  i want to evaluate that more and more.


So, the tide has subsided and the shore is foreseeable.  I’m getting ready for another semester.  Finished Truth & Life, which was a great exerience leading the singing/music/worship.  The Chapel Band recording is half done, but has already been scheduled to finish up in February.  My schedule for the semester is in tact; RA schedule, my classes, discipleship, church, working out etc.  I’m excited but deathly afraid. 

Here’s what I’m excited about and what I’m afraid of:

  • I’m excited about growth, my own and watching others grow but I’m afraid of not wanting to grow and getting in the way of others growing. 
  • I’m excited about new music but I’m afraid of listening to it too much – sometimes, I think I can’t do without it, which isn’t true but I can get carried away with listening to too much music; its like a drug. 
  • I’m excited about meeting up with more older men, to learn from them, listen to them, ask questions etc. but I’m afraid of having to put the time into working for it and for actually being called out to more maturity – and afraid of not living out what I learn from them.
  • I’m excited about going to Hawaii again with Chapel Band but afraid of not being helpful to the church out there. 
  • I’m excited about finishing up the recording but afraid the project not being used for the kingdom. 
  • I’m excited about working out more but I’m afraid of the pain involved. 
  • I’m excited about my counseling classes but I’m afraid of being counseled by someone who knows me well in front of others. 
  • I’m excited about new things but afraid I won’t have opportunities to value them. 
  • I’m excited about reading more books but afraid I won’t be able to finish them (I have a bad habit of starting books but rarely finishing them). 
  • I’m excited about loving more (God & people) but afraid of what its going to cost me. 
  • I’m excited about facebook but afraid it’ll take over my life (I don’t think it will). 
  • I’m excited about the possibilities of all sorts but afraid I’ll overlook need just to experience possibilities. 
  • I’m excited about Heroes coming back February 10th but afraid I won’t set up my TiVo in time to record them. 
  • I’m excited about Sandeep getting baptized and afraid I won’t be able to see him again. 
  • I’m excited about getting rid of this cough but afraid of it keeping me up all night, again. 
  • I’m excited about seeing Phil Wickham in concert but afraid of missing the mission’s retreat. 
  • I’m excited about getting to know people but afraid of them getting to know me. 
  • I’m excited about my family (Savini) reunion in July but afraid schedules with RD stuff will conflict with it. 
  • I’m excited about life…
  • I’m excited about the Lord…
  • I’m excited about lessons…
  • I’m afraid of messing it all up cause I’m an idiot…

blah, blah, blah…here’s the deal I’m excited about living and there are very little things that I am afraid off but in the end I am excited about learning from those things.  I think I’m afraid when I don’t trust the Lord. 

be well, all 2 of you who read my blog 🙂


January 8, 2009

so chapel band was in the studio yesterday for hours, one 30 min lunch break, 10 min break around 8pm and then we ended around 9:30ish.  and all we did was do scratch recordings so dave (our drummer) can lay down his stuff for 7 of the 10 songs we’re recording.  brian steckler is legit (he’s our producer). 

its been fun, humbling and exhausting.  but mostly fun. 

i think i’ve just been taken back by the possibilities of people.  obviously God empowers, gifts and directs people and i don’t want to negate that at all.  but the sheer talent in human nature is sometimes beyond me.  i am thankful and it actually makes me want to work harder with what i have been gifted in, talents, abilities etc. 

i was at a basketball game the other night watching the guys play and i told someone later that i want to sing the way ryan zamroz plays basketball 🙂   he’s amazing on the court by the way.  anyway, its fun to see people work hard and be good at what they love doing.  and there’s so many examples of that in my life.  you’d think i’d be better at a lot of things with the amount of examples i have.  

well, we’re off to another full day of recording. 

please pray for me, i still have tons to do for RD prep, with the recording ’til Saturday then chapel band rehearsal sunday through tuesday and my RAs get back monday, then TLC starts Wednesday – its crazy…pray that i look to Jesus in the midst of all this.  

this rookie is off to the studio.

Today was my last day of my break.  I am so thankful to God for it.  Most people do have breaks and I don’t think I wasted it.  In fact it went by so fast I don’t think I had time to waste it. 

Christmas was very humbling.  I spent it at home in Carson (yes, Carson’s still home to me – in fact, home is wherever my family is…blah, blah, I do admitt that I have a family with my friends here in the valley, or in Samoa, or in India with brothers and sisters in the Lord…).  Anyway, it was cool because it was me, my mom, my brother Bert and my eldest sister Doreen.  Debbie was unable to come out from Samoa.  Sad.  We had a glass of wine and just toasted with thankgiving the Christmas “holiday” and thanked the Lord, each, for His kindness this last year.  It was particularly special because of our family break through this last July. 

Our break through was a long awaited family (including Deb) meeting that involved confronting each other, confessing to each other, encouragment, tears, clarification, affirmation, challenge, celebration, understanding, direction and more.  It was what the Lord used to remind each of us of hope, grace and communication.  It was one of the most reviving times with people that I have every experienced. 

Since then my family has been the closest we have ever been.  Not free from conflict, we’re moved forward with the way we handle it now.  No assumptions, no ill feelings just better thinkers of each other. 

Well, today was nice.  I went to church, so late.  It was my fault.  Had lunch with the Margraves, Phil and Thomas at Whole Foods.  Eric says because he didn’t want half foods.  It was good.  I was craving pinapple anyway and I had tons.  Yum!  Then came back to the apt, practiced for the recording and Truth & Life, then went to the Margraves to hang out.  We watched Barak and ate Beef stew and barley with Holly.  It was fun! 

Good break. Now its time to work.  RDs start up Tuesday, Chapel Band instrumentalists come back that night, then we start recording Wednesday through Saturday.  Then rehearsals for TLC start on Sunday through Tuesday.  Monday my RAs come back and the chaos begins. 

Pray for me and all this.